Honestly...

...as your thinking goes,

so goes your entire being.

Brandon, nature, lunch, and friends.

Yup! I took a nose dive this week. 

Self-doubt, mainly, but it grew into

a big-hair-monster in need of an exorcism.

God provided exactly what I needed.

Some pre-exorcism journal notes & quotes. 

(the cleaner version of some come to Jesus moments)

Me: "....then bam. Down I went. I tried to lift, but nope.

The weight wouldn't let up."

Ha! 'Respond to hostility with love.'

Blew that!! I don't think the F bomb is very loving.

"What the heck is this anyway?"

"I'm tired. This sucks!"

J: "Your racing mind makes it hard to hear My whisper."

Me: "Father I've lost hope. I've lost the anchor for my soul."

Cue...*Blue Jay's piercing tones*

look it up:

'encourages authenticity & speaking ones truth. Take time for some 

areas of your life. Be brave.

Fight for ones rights.

'Blue Jay's loud piercing tones keeps away misfortune.

Guardian in the spirit realm.

It shows up when you're in a dilemma.

New change.

Coming of age...

Protection, understanding & spiritual direction.'

*(followed by Psalm 34:18)

'He is close to the broken hearted & saves those who are

crushed in spirit.'

*(followed by a tantum of sorts. Not pretty.)

J: " It is crucial that you realize deeply 

that your worth & value do NOT depend

on anyone else.

You have to claim your own inner truth."

Me: "I get that. My heart is closed today.

I'm p--sed off!

I need You. I am not open to You today.

Very little.

Thanks for the Jay.

It makes sense....but I don't know what else to do.

So I'll do nothing.

I want to be angry. I want to hate this.

I want to be authentic today.

This is me being authentically F---ed up!

Thank you for your provisions...

& for loving me anyway.

 xo

Amen"

Thankful that my kiddo stayed a couple nights while he was here for work.

I tried to push it down while he was here...

but Nope. That weight wanted to go.

He was a great support while I sat with my spinning head.

be well...

xoxo

💝

....when something feels impossible, it may take some time

to find your way.

' ...I hope you know the taste of hope on an ordinary

Thursday,

when you don't feel okay,

and you rise up anyway.

Listen for the high pitch song of the blue-bird,

the sound of rain.

Listen for any little reminders of Life,

feel it call you by your name.'

"It takes great love and courage to excavate buried dreams."

"Where there is great love there are always miracles."

"...not to be a 'would-be-if-I-could-be

or a could-be-if-I-would-be.' Just be."

'....while I have learned that dreams need doing as much

as they need being, I have learned that

being always comes first.'

Brandon, 

I have always felt the need to have my act together, and

be at my best. Be..."the perfect Mom."

Thank you for helping to free me from the unrealistic

expectations that I put on myself.

Thank you for showing up.

And allowing me to go through my ugly, weak, scrappy moments...

and to show nothing but love and understanding through it.

You help me to see the humor in the worst of times.

You remind me of who I am, and refresh faded dreams.

You lift me.

Then you take me out to go have some fun.

Thank you for showing me what real love does best.

Thank you for teaching me to embrace life.

You are all of the best parts of your Dad and me.

I am so proud of who you are and what you stand for.

I love you so much.

xoxo

Mom💖