Self-recognition

Sitting on the back stoop in slippers and a hoodie.

Time forgotten, as I sip my mug of (protein-powder) hot chocolate.

 Neighbors chickens running toward me on their stubby little legs,

expecting to get a morning treat. I do not disappoint.

I return & sit down with my journal.

 When I put pen to paper scratching sentences, and quotes across the

page, I feel my body sigh.

 I've journaled since I was a girl.

Life gets reprioritized by something bigger than me,

and it has carried me through the chapters of my story. 

It's where I offload burdens, so that I can travel lighter.

A place where I willingly face correction, rage at my own ignorance,

receive Grace, and ...let go of old ways.

It's a space where time isn't a thing,

life seems to slow down & soften,

and ashes transform into beauty.

Lately it's been a place of redirection,

redemption, and restoration.

A continual healing and connection to a part

of me I have sadly forgotten.

That piece of me that's been clawing at the surface,

but stuck within the walls of protection, doubt, fear,

and insecurities. 

Insecurities made me want to convince myself and others that I was

special, and I often displayed a dishonest version of myself.

That has caused a great amount of suffering for

 a recovering insecure-directionally-challenged- people pleaser like me.

If you feel an inner- struggle that just doesn't let up...

you might check in with yourself to see if

 there is a root problem of "not enough".

I knew it was a root for me during my coaching course

...I had no idea of how deep it ran.

It tends to camouflage well.

It's helpful to remember,

 that we are all here for a distinct purpose &

imprint that won't be duplicated.

Celebrate what makes you different.

We were all born enough.

I share these words, as I feel a sense of leaving a version

of myself behind. 

Maybe it's midlife, maybe it's simply growth.

Either way...I think I'm on the other side of that spurt.

Shedding that skin.

Thank God.

I've experienced grief, anger, uncertainty, rage,

euphoria, love, grace, joy, and everything in-between.

I'm still somewhat confused, 

yet find comfort in knowing that I don't know.

It has opened me up to the unknown.

I trust in a Source larger than myself.

That Trust has not come easily.

I am honestly grateful for what I have. 

Every bit of it.

And that too, has taken some time.

I've worked hard this year and I have been experiencing the rewards.

I am enjoying the new vistas and memories I am making.

 I've let go of the way I "think" things need to go...(among other things)

& relaxing into the journey.

I'm more open to learning because now I understand

just how much I don't know.

And with that I have been more open to receiving, 

because I am humbled by what I have learned.

I believe we are all here to forge our own paths the best we can.

I will absolutely admit, I have not been, nor am I always at my best.

However that has become my cue to allow myself grace, and self-correct.

Rather than get entangled in all the melodrama & negativity of my own,

or from others.

It'll always be a struggle. 

But I only have to take responsibility of what is mine...

I don't have to carry the rest.

Practicing mindfulness and staying in the here and now

definitely keeps things lighter, and running  a little smoother.

It has opened me up to some pretty amazing moments,

I would have otherwise missed.

So does breathwork, meditation, prayer, and gratitude.

(we all have to do what works best for us)

I remember a comment from many years ago. A friend who thought

my way of spiritual growth was "wrong".

It haunted me. 

I tried other ways. It didn't work for me.

I believe what's for us will pull at our hearts, 

and if we can relax, and then trust in our own process, 

(rather than what has worked for someone else...)

we will eventually find our way.

We don't have to have it all figured out.

We have a helper.

I can look back and see that now.

be well...

xoxo

💝

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull

of what you really love. It will not lead you astray."

~Rumi~

"You are who you are when no one is watching."

"You're beautiful, even on a bad hair day!"